A much better version of Sumbody 2 Luv
by Crack is a Hell of a Drug
Summary: I'm sure we can all agree that anything would be better than "Sumbody 2 Luv" by xxxBiEbErLoVeKisSxxx


**This is the unedited but much better version of Sumbody 2 Luv. **

William H. McKinley High was a rather unique school. Students, mostly the Glee club, burst into song at every opportunity and the other students didn't seem to be phased at all. It was as if they lived in some kind of space-time-continuum vacuum that ignored the singing students unless they were actually on stage. Then it was free season to mock the members of Glee.

Another curious aspect was the total lack of adult intervention of obvious bullying. On a daily basis, students (again, mostly the members of Glee club) were pelted with ice cold flavored slush. Despite these harassments, teachers never got involved and seemed to have "Students can self-discipline" type of mentality. Or perhaps the teachers felt they weren't paid enough to interfere with the lives and wellbeing of their charges. If the students were kept out of jail or strip clubs, then they had done their job.

Either way, WHMH was indeed a unique school but they were not prepared for what was to come.

"_OMG it's my first day at school. Everyone is going to love me and think I'm so hawt. Look, they're already staring at me sexily. They must want to fuck me_." the new student thought as she walked confidently towards the principal's office.

She had mistaken their stares for admiration but in reality they were bewildered at her style of dress and other accessories. There were some fairly promiscuous girls at the school, mainly Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce, but they knew enough not to come into school looking like a stripper. The new girl had on a super short cheap looking pleather skirt on that barely covered her nonexistent ass, showing her orange legs that could only come from dollar store self-tanner. She also had on a raggedy pink tank top that was transparent enough to show the several push up bras that she had on; obviously trying to give off the illusion she had a chest. Overall she was the trashiest girl to ever step foot on campus and the students wondered if she was on drugs because she had the weirdest goofy look on her face. They could only guess what she was thinking but if they had to, they would think she was retarded.

The new girl stepped into Principal Figgins's office and sat down, inappropriately spreading her legs; probably hoping that if she was slutty enough this principal would give her all A's.

"_Gawd, those guys out there couldn't stop looking at me. Even the girl's but I don't care about them because I'm not a lesbo_."

Mr. Figgins interrupted her delusional and homophobic thoughts.

"Ms. Ashburn…"

"My name is Magenta-Rose Tokyo Beiber!" she rudely interrupted him.

A confused look donned Principal Figgins's face as he looked over her file.

"It says here you're name is Agnes Ashburn."

"Well it's wrong! My name is Magenta-Rose Tokyo Beiber. I got Tokyo because my mom is Japanese and Bieber because I'm Justin Bieber's sister. He is sooooo hawt!"

Mr. Figgins was taken aback by her unnecessary yelling and her outlandish claims. She was obviously Caucasian, although very orange from what he suspected was Oompa Loompa heritage. He also noticed that she had pink eyes but could tell they were merely contact lenses; cheap ones at that because it was obvious they were drying out her eyes from the bloodshot look of them and how she kept blinking an inordinate amount of times.

He wasn't sure how to proceed because it seemed the girl was mentally ill but looking further down the file, he found his answer.

**Agnes Ashburn**

**Age: 14**

**Nationality: Australian**

**Transferred: because no school in Australia wanted to waste their time trying to teach an obviously lost cause.**

**Special Needs: Suffers from delusions of grandeur, nymphomania, narcissistic tendencies, and various STD's from sleeping with random homeless people who claimed they were Justin Bieber: the androgynous high pitched Canadian singer who somehow manages to capture the hearts of pre-teens everywhere but even more incredible someone as hot as Selena Gomez. Can you believe that? I can't….**

Principal Figgins stopped reading the rantings of a bitter psychiatrist that was jealous of the success of a 16 yr old.

He did note that she was to be put in the Special Needs class with all the other developmentally challenged students. He contemplated a moment that she might be more "special" than what the other teacher's could handle. He had decided she would be sequestered away from those students because he wouldn't be cruel enough to subject any of his students to someone as demented and delusional as Agnes Ashburn.

He was starting to regret volunteering to accept the Australian native just for a grant to take in underage lost causes that no one else wanted. Her parents were not really in the picture and Principal Figgins wondered why they just didn't abort her because they had to know what kind of troll they were bringing into the world.

It's was neither here nor there. He accepted the money and spent it already so he was stuck with the slutty nightmare and he could only hope that she wouldn't cause too much of a commotion.

He would find out he was very wrong.

"Ms. Ashburn…"

"I told you, it's Beiber!" she screeched. Offended he would call her by her actual name.

"Ms. **Ashburn**…" he emphasized because he was not going to give into the demands of a mentally ill little brat. "Here at McKinley we have a dress code that does not include cheap B-team dollar night stipper wear."

"Well fuck you!" Agnes screamed.

The screech was heard down the hall and teachers were startled at such profanity. The students laughed and wondered who would have the balls to actually yell at a teacher.

"I'll wear whatever I want because I'm so hawt and can do whatever I want."

"If you insist in dressing like a cheap two dollar hooker then we will have no choice but to bar you from school. That includes any extra curricular activities."

Principal Figgins desperately hoped that she would keep protesting and keep wearing the slutty clothes she stole from a dead crack whore. They couldn't blame him for kicking her out if she refused to comply.

"Nooo! I need to be in glee club because I'm such a great singer! Fine I'll wear nun clothes from now on."

Principal Figgins highly doubted that because her cracked whiney voice could never produce anything that could be considered good singing. But he was incredibly disappointed because he would really rather not have the headache of her. He did have a small hope that she'd have an outburst of violence so he could then send her to the Jane Adams Academy. Which she should have been sent to first but due to overcrowding, government officials asked local public schools to try to hold onto her till some room cleared up. Agnes was obviously troubled and belonged in a cage.

"_Or shot. Either would be good with me."_ Principal Figgins thought.

Principal Figgins then escorted Agnes, who still insisted she be called Magenta-Rose Tokyo Beiber, the whole thing not just Magenta but Figgins's rationalized that if she was going to call herself something incredibly stupid then ought to call her the whole thing.

The day passed with her making outrageous and offensive remarks to the one other special needs teacher. He felt bad for assigning Agnes Ashburn to her but at least it was now the teacher's only student. Figgins had decided that Agnes was enough and consolidated all the other special needs students into one class. The other Special Ed teacher was stressed to the new work load but was infinitely grateful that she didn't have to deal with the nightmare that was Agnes "Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber."

School had let out and everyone was talking about the crazy new girl.

Agnes, in her own delusional mind, thought that they were saying how super hawt she was but what they were actually talking about how awful she looked and apparently stupid she is.

"Yeah Mr. Young came up to me crying, saying how he was so luckly to have someone like me in their class and not the new girl." Brittany commented to Santana.

Santana was very surprised that someone would be so glad to have Brittany instead of the new girl. She didn't let it show because she loved her blonde Cheerio but she wasn't oblivious to Brittany's short comings.

"_Wow that girl must be incredibly stupid if she makes teachers grateful for Brit_."

They both headed to Glee and were glad they didn't have to deal with the new girl.

They were about to be super disappointed.

Magenta saw the flyer for Glee and headed to where it said practices were being held.

Will Shuester was going to wish he took the old flyers down.

"No I can't have sex with you, I have to go to glee!" Magenta said randomly to a passing jock in a letterman jacket.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't say anything to you freak."

Magenta ignored the jibe and laughed manically as she skipped off to Glee.

"Man, those Glee kids are getting more and more fucked up as time goes on."

Magenta entered the Glee rehearsal room and everyone stopped talking and stared at the interloper.

Magenta thought it was because they were stunned by her beauty.

They wondered why an orange trash monster was in their practice room.

"Hello, may we help you?" Mr. Shue asked tentatively because he was not sure how to handle the delicate situation he knew that the student was the mentally ill Agnes Ashburn and from the horror stories he'd heard so far he knew to tread carefully. The kind hearted part of him wanted to give her a chance and treat her nicely as he knew she couldn't help if she was a retarded crack whore.

"Hey, I'm Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber."

They all stared at her because it was the dumbest name on earth and weren't sure if she was joking or not.

"_Wow they think I'm so fucking hawt and sexily. Mmm Mr. Shue I so want to fuck you and your bouncy hair but I'll keep it in my pants because there are other people around_."

"I'm so excited to be in Glee!"

They all gave a nervous laugh because it was obvious the girl was on crack.

Rachel was the only one to say anything because of her Type A personality she couldn't handle crack whores just walking into Glee when everyone else had to audition.

"Excuse me but as Co-Captain of Glee I must let you know that to join Glee you must audition and Mr. Shue has to deem you acceptable." Rachel said in her usual pedantic tone and wondered when the trailer trash whore wannabe would leave so they could start practice.

"What? I'm already in Glee because Mr. Shue thinks I'm hawt. So shut up you stupid COW."

"OMG, there's someone even crazier than Berry." Puck added in.

Rachel looked absolutely affronted and even the other Glee members thought it was a crazy outburst and they usually didn't care for Rachel.

"Ms. Ashburn…" Mr. Shue said quickly as he did not want a rumor started that he had any types of feelings for a student as well as unnecessary name calling. And his unkind side thought "_Especially a cheap toe rag like her_."

He regretted his thoughts but part of them knew them to be true so he didn't feel too bad.

"My name is Magenta-Rose Tokyo Beiber! Why does everyone keep calling me Agnes?"

Mr. Shue was starting to see why the special ed teacher wanted to quit.

"Magenta" Will gave into her spoiled demands to be called the dumbest name he'd ever heard. The only worse name he could think of was Lola Bieberkiss. "Rachel is right, you have to audition and we don't allow such name calling. This is a safe place."

"OK Mr. Shue, I'll be singing 'Candy Shop'."

Before anyone could stop her from singing an incredibly inappropriate song for an audition, Magenta started to sing…if anyone could call broken bagpipes mixed with nails on a chalk board while cats in heat caterwauling singing.

It literally made the ears of the Glee club bleed as they screamed for God to kill them out of mercy.

"Ew guys, are you all having your period?" Magenta asked after she was done.

While the paramedics loaded the Glee kids into the ambulances to go to the hospital, Magenta wondered about the school, not sure where to go.

"Oh I wonder if Dr. Cullen will be their doctor. Oh I would make out with him bi-sexually but then I'd have to get Sam and Dean to come and kill him because he's a vampire."

She muttered other such nonsense about Edward, his sparkly chest, Rosalie being a bitch, and Justin Beiber singing to sick people in the hospital; scaring the other students and wondering what the hell she was doing there.

The next day the janitor found the special ed teacher hanging by a rope, she killed herself instead of putting herself through another day of teaching Agnes "Magenta" Ashburn. When the police investigated the scene they found a report that Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber wrote and it contained:

"**Hi my name is Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber. I am called that because I have pink eyes like sparkling emeralds. My mom is half-Japanese that's why I got my middle name anyway I'm Justin Bieber's sister (lol he is soooooo hawt!)**

**So anyway I was walking to school, my school is called William McKinley High School in America. But I'm not American I'm from Antarctica. Anyway back to the storey!**

**I was wearing a black mini-skirt that showed off my long tanned legs and a pink tank top that made my boobs look really hot and all the boys couldn't stop staring because of how sexy I looked! Even some of the lesbians stared but I told them to fuck off coz ew I'm not a lesbian you sicko!**

**Some jocks tried to throw a grape sushi at my face (coz I'm in glee club duh!) but they stopped because they was amazed by how beautiful I was it was like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.**

**"I'm sorry Magenta will you have sex with us?" they whimpered ignitadely.**

**"Sorry I can't" I cackled manically because I had to go to glee club now."*******

And then the police officers understood why the teacher killed herself. They even lost one of their own because their lead investigator minored in English and shot his brains out from reading something so terrible.

Since there was no one who could teach Magenta they told her she could go home and wait till they called to bring her back. Principal Figgins was going to use the time to figure out how to get rid of the Ms. Ashburn problem.

The Glee members had recovered from their ear drum hemorrhages enough to go to school and Glee practice. They did their best but it was mostly choreography since they had trouble hearing their pitch and therefore couldn't ascertain whether or not they were in tune. So they were disappointed in the turn of events but hopeful as ever at their chances of winning regionals.

All the while Magenta had imagined in her head a relationship with Finn, even going as far as going to Breadstix and having "dates" with him that ended up in intercourse.

Finn was terrified of the demented girl and tried to take comfort in Quinn but she was too preoccupied with prom and being the uber bitch she usually is. He really wished he stayed with Rachel but he knew it was too late because Rachel found her geek Navi loving soulmate in Sam. (TEAM SAMCHEL!) After highschool they had already lined up small parts in the Avatar sequels and Rachel was to star in Avatar on Ice.

Sam was super glad that he knew Navi and that Rachel learned the language as well because it helped them land their roles in the epic James Cameron franchise.

Finn was so jealous because he knew he would be stuck in Lima forever because he's a hypocritical douche bag that deserves Quinn who is a cheating skank who will also never leave Lima. (totally a run on sentence but I don't feel like fixing it and it's still by far better than anything xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx has ever written)

So while Finn was lamenting the outcome of his idiotic choice of Quinn over Rachel, he was very surprised when Magenta showed up at Glee again and the memory of his ears bleeding from her horrible voice made him back away from her. The other Glee kids did the same and wondered where Mr. Schue was.

"Oh Finn, we're going to have babies. You, me, and Kurt are going to have four boys and one girl! Isn't that exciting? Want to help me name them?"

Finn's eye's bugged out at the outlandish claim and he looked to the Glee members for help.

"I would never have sex with a white trash, uneducated, head case like you even if I was straight. I'd cut my own dick off before it got anywhere near you." Kurt said with uncharacteristic profanity but usual scathing tone.

"What the fuck are you talking about? We have never been together. Quinn I swear I never had sex with her." Finn desperately tried to tell Quinn because he's dumb enough to think that someone else would be dumb enough to believe anything Magenta ever said.

As Finn mentioned sex, the Glee club got an unwanted horrifying image of Magenta having sex with anyone. They all proceeded to vomit Exorcist grade chunks all over the practice room.

The police came in and arrested Magenta.

"You can't take me I'm too hawt to go to prison. I'll be attacked by Mexicans, Black, and Lesbos because they want me and my beautifully angelic voice!" she screamed as they took her away.

Mr. Schue had finally come to the practice room and was horrified by the display.

"OMG officers, what happened?"

"Well it turns out Ms. Asburn had a psychotic episode at the Breadstix restaurant last night. She kept shouting to herself that she was with her 'cousin' Leia. She then got up to the stage and started to screech Never Say Never by Justin Beiber then proceeded to masturbate with one of the breadsticks that Breadstix is famous for, moaning Kurt and Finn. Then this morning she terrorized Dr. Wu's office, demanding that he give her a pregnancy test. It was quite awful. We're going to have to deport her back to Australia but the Australian Embassy is giving us grief because they really don't want her. She keeps insisting that she's from Antarctica so the US government might have no choice but to send her there. All the other UN nations have threatened sanctions against the US if they try to dump her anywhere else."

"Wow, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. It must be true."

The police left and the darkness that loomed over Lima was gone. They all lived happily ever after.

Especially when they heard that Charlie Sheen had broken into the mental ward Agnes "Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber" Ashburn was kept in and killed her because as a Vatican Assassin+, the Pope said that God told them to kill Magenta-Rose Tokyo Bieber to make the world a better place.

And it was.

The end.

**A/N: **

***This is an excerpt from xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx's story Sumbody 2 Luv. The material is hers and I make no profit from the use of said material. I am invoking my right to Fair Use for parody etc…under 17 U.S.C. ****§ 107.**

**+In the case of future Trademark "Vatican Assassin" belongs to Charlie Sheen and any affiliate that distributes and has rights to the Trademark. **


End file.
